Daughter of the Year
by Grand Phoenix
Summary: Sometimes situations call for a person to screw the rules and go absolutely balls to the wall. Unfortunately for Nanoha, such a philosophy is apt to backfire...with extreme prejudice! [OOC]


_A/N: Inspired by Toya Graham's epic smackdown during the Baltimore riots. Also, because hearing about it was just asking for this to be written._

* * *

Nanoha hauled herself into the café, the little bell above the door announcing her presence. At this time of the day the place was packed, but it was the day after yesterday and all eyes present swerved toward her and gained a merry, laughing shine. She scoffed and ignored their pointing fingers, their mischievous stares and childish giggles muffled behind their hands.

She limped over to a barstool and all but threw her weight onto it. There was a bell on the counter which she rang with the hand of the arm not bound in a sling and waited. She rubbed at her left eye with the heel of that hand, wincing at the fork of pain lighting up behind the patch masking the other. She would've said it made her look boss, a modern day female equivalent of Solid Snake, if circumstances were different and…not so awkward.

Nanoha sighed and propped her head against her hand. What she wouldn't give to drum the fingers of her right hand on the counter. It would serve as a much needed distraction to all the aching and soreness permeating her body.

"Hey hey, that's her, isn't it?" Her ears perked up. Male voices. Young. Her eyes slid to the left. In her periphery was a pair of college boys in fraternity jackets. They were sitting at a booth.

The other leaned over for a better look. His face broadened into a shit-eating, mudslinging grin. "Hey, yeah! That's her!"

"The White Pussy!" They busted out laughing. The guy that had spoken first doubled over the table and pounded its surface with a meaty fist.

Anger struck a match and set the gas alight in her veins. Her fingernails dug into the skin of her palm, threatening to break the skin and draw blood. Her glare would have reduced those boys to piles of ash.

" _Master, remember your criminal record,"_ Raging Heart spoke up from her place around Nanoha's neck. Nanoha grumbled under her breath, cursing their immaturity and existence.

A waiter approached from the back of the kitchen, a sprightly lad she could never seem to recall the name of. She looked at him, and her mood grew three shades darker at the amusing, toothy smile he wore. "Oh hey! M-Miss Takamachi!" He was sputtering. The poor bastard was sputtering, attempting to reign in the laughter bubbling in his throat. "What a surprise! How…How are you holding up?"

 _About past shit creek and ready to ram my fist down your gullet if you don't GET ON WITH IT._ Instead, Nanoha said, "I've had worse."

The guy laughed good-naturedly. "That's good, that's good! An-Anyway, you want your usual right? Grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup?"

"Yeah. And no coffee. Just ice water." As he walked away to relay the order, she called out, "Cook the sandwich like a panini this time, alright? All the way." She wondered if he heard her, but she shrugged and winced again at the stab spiking the shoulder of the arm in the sling. Wonderful.

Moments later she was handed a glass of ice water. Nanoha mumbled her thanks, glared venom at the back of the retreating, chuckling waitress, and took a sip. Ahhh, cold like the embers in her heart; an appropriate taste.

"HEY YOU!" Nanoha rolled her eyes and wheeled around to face the owner of the high-pitched voice. She found herself staring down at a little girl with the most garish pigtails and fiercest blue eyes that could anyone could be assed to find on Mid. "Sup?" Nanoha said, giving her a little wave.

"My little sister said she could beat you up, and she's FOUR!" said the kid. "Whaddya say ta dat?!"

"Kid, she's a hundred years out of her league. Tell her to come back in ten years and enlist in the Bureau, then we'll talk."

"Well Vivio is TEN and SHE'S not in the Bureau! And she kicked your butt, too!"

Nanoha groaned and buried her face in her hand. "Goddammit," she mumbled. "Listen, kid, what happened yesterday was a misunderstanding. She blew it out of proportion and what she did caught me off guard—"

"YOU'RE A PHONY!" the little girl blasted, directing everyone's attention onto the two of them. "You're not a Devil! You're a liar! A liar AND A GREAT BIG PHONY!"

"Get away from her, Julie!" said a woman, presumably the girl's mother. She popped up behind her, out of nowhere, and yanked the child back towards her. "You'll catch her stupid!"

"Oh lady, you did not just go there," Nanoha growled, and made to stand.

"YOU'RE A PHONY!" the little girl bleated again as her mother dragged her away. "A GREAT BIG PHONY!"

"Damn brat," Nanoha said quietly when they were out of earshot. "Be thankful I'm a civil servant." She grabbed the glass of water off the counter behind her and drank deep from it. With a sigh, she regarded the nearest cashier and said, "I'll be at my usual spot. Bring the food there when it's done."

She limped past the bar and down the aisle, making the turn toward the wall where the booths were located. She went by the ones at the window overlooking the busy traffic (and while she wouldn't mind sitting at the window, such a place was very cliché; she wasn't a high school student anymore), glaring at anyone that had a twinkle in their eye or a laugh ready to spill from their lips. When she was at the very back, near the bathrooms, she set the glass down and eased herself onto the cushioned seat. Soon her meal arrived, not a word escaping her as the waiter—some hulk with a bull's neck and reeking of gallons of English Leather—tittered and pinched the skin of his cheeks to settle the tics jumping underneath. She watched him leave and trip over himself with a glower, but if her mood was any better she would've smirked at the thought of Lady Karma knocking him ass over kettle to the floor.

So she ate, taking her time, out of ingrained habit and caution for her injuries.

Later on, as she was partway through, the bell signaled the entrance of another customer. This fine lady was Teana, who asked for Nanoha and went for her as soon as she got her answer. "You know, for someone who causes property damage on a weekly basis, you're pretty hard to track down," she said, sliding into the seat opposite of Nanoha.

"Let me guess: Fate sent you?"

"Nah. Vivio did. Fate's still pissed at you, you know."

"I figured that much. And Vivio?"

"Back to her old self. Surprising, given the way she reacted to seeing you up to your old shenanigans."

"Hey, those turkeys are gonna get what's coming to them eventually. They can't hide from Thanksgiving."

"Thanksgiving is six months away. And what's so special about Mid turkeys, anyway? You know we get shipments of wild turkeys offworld. Why not just eat those?"

"Because these birds are sentient, and ancient Belkan legend says that if you eat the heart of a turkey you can learn how to speak their tongue. I can use this to my advantage come holiday season." Nanoha snapped her fingers. "Maybe I can find out why Belka fell! I'd the first person in all Bureau dimensions! What do you think about that?"

Teana clapped her hands. "I don't even have to go on the Internet today because that's the stupidest thing I've heard so far. Really, Nanoha, lay off the hate. You're channeling some major Captain Ahab vibes."

Nanoha paused, the spoon of soup halfway to her mouth. She set it back into the broth and leaned against the table. "Tea," she began, "until you get trampled by phallic-looking llamas, have every inch of your skin pecked thrice-over, and the shadow of the fattest fucking turkey on this side of Mid looming over you, you will never understand how I feel. My hatred knows no bounds. It knows that, to use an axiom tried and true, the only good turkey is an oven-roasted turkey basted in butter, lathered in gravy, and served on a plate."

Teana stared at her for a good long minute. "What difference does it make? Turkey tastes like turkey. No, don't repeat yourself, I get it. Let's change the subject. How are you holding up?"

Nanoha shrugged, this time with her healthy shoulder. "Could be better. This is nothing compared to that damn shard in my Core, though."

"Vivio really let you have it," said Teana, studying the sling and eyepatch. "Off guard, huh? That's unlike you."

"Really, she did! Look, Tea, I didn't want to hurt her. She's my kid! I get that I'm a crazy sonuva bitch with an unhealthy obsession for turkey genocide, but I can't add child abuse on top of arson, blackmail, bribery, destruction of private property, and unlawful sack tapping! I have standards, too!"

"And so you do! But only because you're in a Grand Phoenix fanfiction. She likes seeing people act out of character, but not to the point where they try too hard where they end up becoming unfunny. Then that's just being stupid, but acting stupid, by and far, is entirely subjective."

"Who the hell is the Grand Phoenix?"

"Never mind that. Tell me how you got your injuries."

"What would be the point in that? You and everyone on Mid saw the riots on TV."

"We want to hear it in your own words."

"'We?'"

"The audience and I. Well, I _think_ I know, but they sure don't. So have at it, Nanoha." Teana flagged down a passing waiter and requested for a pitcher of water.

Nanoha shook her head. "Don't have much of a choice, do I?"

" _No matter how you spin it, you'll still be wrong,"_ said Raging Heart.

"I speak the truth and nothing but!" she snapped down the front of her shirt.

When the water arrived, Teana poured herself a glass, kicked back and gestured with it towards Nanoha. "So, as you were saying?"

Nanoha huffed air from her cheeks, snatched the pitcher and refilled her cup. Ice clinked against ice. "Well yesterday those riots were going on. Big riots all over the place because some turkey was spotted in broad daylight and turkeys, as you know, keep to themselves until they migrate south for the winter. So I heard these guys were out having a spot or whatever at the local bar a ways down the block from here—folk that have their hunting licenses for all sorts of game: turkey, deer, bear, those big ass dragons that pop in literally out of nowhere every few days. And they heard the turkey making its turkey noises and went after it, and apparently they sacked the bird before it could cross the road!"

Teana sipped. "You said you 'heard'. How certain?"

"Damn certain! I may not have been there when they killed it, but I'm very certain that's how it went down!"

"Alright. Go on. What happened next?"

"The turkeys got pissed, that's what! I dunno how they do it, but word spreads fast among them, and so within a couple hours they did a massive Zerg Rush from every street and avenue and started lobbing pots and pans all over the place! There were geese and pigeons, too, and I think some of them might've been carrying explosives made of shit!"

Teana grimaced, but continued drinking. "Interesting…."

"They caught us unawares, I tell ya! Bird against man! It was insane! Fights broke out everywhere: the clinic, the government offices, the parks, the red light districts. But St. Hilde was hit the hardest. The children there are innocent, and there's nothing a turkey loves more than getting its greasy wings on a child and make him or her a changeling. So when I saw on the news at work those penis-things they ride on charging through the courtyards I got off my ass so fast…." Nanoha took a long pull. "It was Vivio I was worried about. Her and Rio and Corona. Even that other girl, Einhart. I had to make sure they were okay."

" _This is the part where the story changes for the umpteenth time,"_ Raging Heart piped up. _"Which version do you want to hear?"_

Nanoha sputtered. "L-Let me finish the story!"

" _That could take a while, depending on how grandiose Master wants it to be."_

"Weren't you with Nanoha, Raging Heart?" Teana asked.

" _To my misfortune, yes. I'm always there when my Master goes 'balls to the walls.'"_

"Then can you verify for me how legit her account is? Although I said I want to hear the story from her perspective, it would provide me a different angle from an observer."

"You don't wanna do that," Nanoha said nervously.

"And why not? Something has to explain your injuries. You can't sit there and tell me you fell ass over kettle in the middle of the street and got trampled by the Bunchies."

"Is that what those things are called? Fuck, I've been calling 'em dinglehoppers because of the way they flop all over the place—!"

"Well, Raging Heart?" said Teana." What do you have to add to Nanoha's story?"

" _The truth and nothing but,"_ said the Device, and Nanoha glowered. _"We had arrived at St. Hilde's, looking for Vivio and the girls, when we came upon a mob of humans. The turkeys had stormed the Academy but the children had been evacuated before the onset of the attack. We managed to find them among the rabble. Or rather, they…ahem…found us."_

"How did they find you?"

So Raging Heart explained.

* * *

"WHAT DO WE WANT?" Nanoha yelled to the mob.

"THANKSGIVING!" they roared in response.

"WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!"

"NOW!"

"WHAT DO WE WANT?"

"THANKSGIVING!"

" _AND WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!"_

" _RIGHT NOW!"_ And the mob surged onwards, throwing an assortment of bricks, rocks, and dented pots and pans at the painted turkeys. They gobbled and jumped on the pedestrian closest to them, sending them to the ground and pecking at their faces. Birds on Bunchies raced around the courtyard and reared back as humans prodded them with broken brooms and depleted magic staves. Overhead, geese and pigeons unloaded a barrage of slimy white shit, honking and cooing as they made a pass back to the school's main building.

Amidst the chaos Nanoha stood, Raging Heart in one hand and a brick in the other. She tossed the missile up and down, eyeing each and every turkey spread across her vision. "Hunting season's come early, boys and girls! Grab all the meat you can!"

Raging Heart released a static-laced sigh. _"My Master, I am beginning to wonder if the reason why you haven't gone back into the force is not because of your severe injuries following the Scaglietti Incident but rather the amount of black marks you've accrued over the years…."_

"Oh baby, those aren't black marks. They're _justice points_. Justice delivered upon the heads of these motherfucking birds and their motherfucking friends! It matters not if they're avian, beast, or human; any ally of the Underground Turkey Resistance will face the wrath of the Devil in White, the Featherless Apocalypse! Any time, any place!" Nanoha caught the brick, reared back, and chucked it into the throbbing mass of flesh and feathers. A turkey just so happened to have been in midair and caught the object square in the beak, dropping out of sight with a squawk. "BOOM, BITCH! HEADSHOT!"

"Mama?!"

Nanoha whirled around. "Vivio! Girls! You're okay! But look, you gotta get out of here. It's not safe!"

Vivio stared pointedly at her. "Really? And what was that just now? Protecting the peace?"

"Hell yeah! I'm your mom, Vivio. It's part of the job description!"

"If you're protecting the peace, shouldn't you be escorting us from the premises and to a safe location away from all the fighting?" Einhart asked. "From what I can tell, you're not part of the solution. You're part of the problem."

"Whoa whoa! Easy there, Ein!" Rio exclaimed. "This is Takamachi 'Balls to the Wall' Nanoha we're talking to here! She's always part of the solution!"

"T-That's right!" Coronoa assured Einhart, sweat breaking out on her brow. "Her methods may be extreme, but it's for our own safety! She never instigates!"

"I don't see how lobbing half a brick into the crowd and screaming 'Headshot!' is supposed to solve the problem—"

"YES IT DOES!" Rio and Corona shouted in Einhart's face.

"So it does, Ein!" said Nanoha. "With me at the fore, I can eradicate the majority of these vermin before they do any more significant damage to the school and transform it into a stinking chicken coop. Y'all should know my philosophy by now: when in doubt, take a deep breath, clench your asshole super tight, and _fucking crush the opposition!_ Only then will you understand why I'm called the White Devil!"

"You're not a Devil!" said Vivio, raising her voice. "You're a pussy!"

Everyone stared at her, stunned. To emphasis a point, an unseen shit-laden bomb went off.

"HOLY BALLS!" Rio swore.

"V-Vivio!" Corona cried.

Einhart cast a discreet glance behind her, hoping to make a clean exit.

All Nanoha could manage was a tiny "Wh-Wha…?"

"You heard me!" said Vivio. "You're not just a pussy! You're the White Pussy! You haven't had a decent fight in years, so you pick on those turkeys to get your rocks off! You should be ashamed of yourself for lowering your standards!"

"V-Vivio…I'm doing this for you! Mostly just you, but for the girls too! Sorta! I mean, look around you: it's fucking chaos! Do you want those assholes to eat your eyeballs raw, strip your flesh and muscles to decorate their nests, and indoctrinate you into that bogus philosophy of theirs? Hell no! If anything, those guys need to follow _my_ creed: balls to the walls! All the way, every day!"

"To hell with your philosophy! When you throw your balls to the wall, they don't stick! THEY BOUNCE RIGHT BACK! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT?!"

"You know, she brings up a very good point—" Einhart began, but Corona and Rio dogpiled on top of her before she could continue.

"Hey! Don't you use that kind of language with me, young lady!" Nanoha admonished. "Only badasses can talk like that," she added. "You're not fourteen yet, and you're four years off until you become a certified badass. Everything else before that is a sign of mimicry." She crossed her arms and nodded sagely. "Now be a sport and skedaddle on outta here…unless you wanna see me kick the shit out of these guys. That's par and parcel to becoming a badass, you know: language, attitude, and hot blood!"

Vivio's bullshit radar went zero to sixty in two seconds flat. "THAT'S IT!" she roared, her face pinched in pure, unbridled anger, and her words cut through the mayhem like a gunshot. She shot a hand into the air. "SACRED HEART! SET UP!" In a flash of light, she transformed into her Adult Mode. "I'll show you balls to the wall!"

Corona and Rio leapt off a battered Einhart and ran to her. "No, Vivio, DON'T!" "You can't let her know!"

"L-Let her know w-what…?" Einhart groaned from her place on the ground.

"Einhart," Vivio began, "I'm going to show you what happens when I've had it up to HERE" she held a bladed hand above her head "with Mama's bullshit. Watch me, okay? This isn't a mock battle. This isn't even a real battle. I'm pissed, and I'm going to kick her ass!"

Nanoha barked laughter, but it sounded more disbelieving than mocking. "Kick _my_ ass? Vivio, you may the clone of the Belkan messiah, not to mention my daughter, but you're about a hundred years too early to be saying that—OOF!" She doubled over the fist that slammed into her gut.

Vivio's heterochromatic eyes glared down at her. "I got here sooner!"

Nanoha coughed and shakily straightened up. "H-Hey! N-No fair! You d-didn't let me finish—"

"BADASSES DON'T LET OTHER BADASSES FINISH!" Vivio jabbed Nanoha's shoulder with a bladed hand, hitting a pressure point and forcing her to drop Raging Heart.

"But it's part of the Code—!"

" _FUCK THE CODE!"_ And with that said, Vivio socked her right in the face.

* * *

" _You would think my Master would have fought back and gave Vivio what for, but she did not,"_ Raging Heart concluded. _"No…not at all. My Master couldn't defend herself. This proves that, like everyone else, she can be clobbered, just as I can be shot."_

"And by a little girl, no less," said Teana.

" _It was…quite the spectacle."_

"Sh-She caught me off guard!" Nanoha grumbled, lifting her head from its place atop arms crossed over the table. "A-And even if she hadn't, I wouldn't have had the heart to hurt her…."

"And thus did it lead to your…downfall," said Teana.

" _Sad to say, that is the only other part in the story that is true."_

"She got lucky…."

"Perhaps, but you should be very thankful! Vivio stopped you from breaking any more laws. Not that you already have a laundry list of them…."

"A list of my accomplishments! The government says they're black marks, but I say they're justice marks—good deeds performed in the name of well-intentioned extremism!"

"Yeah, if you're a vigilante."

"But it's got me wondering about something," said Nanoha. "The turkeys are Mid's number one enemy. Why the hell is Vivio so concerned about them? She should know they can't be trusted, so why…." She gasped, eyes flying wide open. "No! It can't be!"

"What? What is it?" Teana asked.

"It's so stupid…but it's so possible…! What if…What if Vivio was indoctrinated? I mean, there was that War a few years back, but Fate and I got her outta their compound right away. And turkeys are dumb; what could they teach to a human?"

"They can't be dumb enough to form a primitive society right under our noses and stage a Zerg Rush on the city's institutions."

"Except they are dumb, because why the hell would they even bother attacking a society that specializes in _magic_? That's like bringing a knife to a gun fight!"

"Beats me. If I were a turkey I would ask, but I'm not and I doubt they'd take too kindly to me if I could approach them."

"Bah!" Nanoha scoffed. "Just listen to yourself! A human and a turkey being diplomatic? What a bunch of bull!" She shook her head. "I can't believe Vivio. It's almost as if she… _cared_ …about them…."

" _You don't say,"_ Raging Heart said, dragging out the sentence.

"I do! Coexistence between the two cannot exist! It just doesn't!"

" _Oh the joy of what you don't know behind closed doors…."_

"Have you forgotten how wired the house is? Name me a room; that place is so bugged up the ass that if you asked me if walls could talk I'd drown them out with the amount of anti-magic and static crammed into the infrastructure! I know everything that goes on there!"

" _Our abode does not have to be wired for the children hear what goes bump in the night."_

Nanoha sputtered, her face reddening. So did Teana's, and she coughed into a fist to break the silence crashing down on them. "A-Anyway, Nanoha, I think you owe Vivio more than a thank you and an apology. Not just for saving your hide and dragging you home but for making her upset…not to mention all the unnecessary media attention that's going to be replaying all the YouTube videos of her sucker punching you over and over again for the next two weeks. Do you know that moment immortalized her? All the comments say it's 'the crack heard 'round the world.' Last I checked people are already making Thug Life clips."

Nanoha rolled her good shoulder. "Well I'm not sorry for speaking my mind, but the media is an instigative son of a bitch so I will do just that. No more, no less."

"I figured you'd be more remorseful than that, but I suppose that'll do."

"Damn straight. Although I do wish I could do more than glare at all the morons calling me the White Pussy…."

" _You had it coming, my Master,"_ Raging Heart bluntly put it.

"Yeah, you did," Teana agreed.

Nanoha harrumphed. "Well! Some student you turned out to be! You're supposed to defend me!"

"Nove and I kinda share the responsibilities of the only sane man in our little group. Subaru…Subaru's the little engine that _can't_. It's not just possible."

"And what do you think of my disgraceful display, eh?" Nanoha plopped an elbow on the table and leaned on it. "Surprised you haven't boarded the bandwagon yet."

Teana straightened her posture. "Nanoha, you know me: I don't go out of my way to shame someone in public, behind their back, or in an Internet chat forum. That's not my style."

"But you said I was in the wrong—"

"And you were."

"So why not join in?"

"Nanoha, you're a beast. A righteous, gods-fearing beast who can kick my ass to hell and back and there again in a mock battle. Do you honestly expect me to call you the White Pussy or any other derivatives I've heard today and walk away unscathed? Because I like being alive and in one piece."

"You're right. You can do better than that. You can do better than _all these idiots here!_ " Nanoha swept an arm, indicating the entirety of the café, and looked squarely, challengingly, at Teana. "Don't you agree?"

Teana bit her lip. She glanced at the neglected food and water, at Nanoha, at the people gathered at the bar and seated around them in their booths, and down at the surface of their table. She stared for some time, seemingly developing an intense interest in the random whorls and the reflection of the light above them.

At last, she expelled a heavy sigh and stood. "I'm so going to regret this…but I need to get this off my chest. I have to."

"Take your time. I can wait," said Nanoha, pulling the plate of the half-finished panini toward her. Silly her, she had almost forgotten about it! Straight into the gullet it goes—

"BITCH YOU BETTER BELIEVE I'M GONNA COOL YOUR HEAD _'CAUSE IT'S ON FIRE!_ LEMME HELP YOU WIT' THAT!" Teana whooped. She grabbed the pitcher of water and dumped it over Nanoha's head. "BAM!" All around them, startled gasps and laughter resounded. Gazes young and old, big and small, fell upon the pair.

Nanoha's gaze was on a soggy grilled cheese sandwich sitting in on a wet plate. Her eyes were wide and blank. Then, without moving her head, she glared through the hair curtaining her face.

Raging Heart whistled. _"Hoo, boy."_

Teana balked and turned pale. She hunched her shoulders like a turtle retreating into its shell. "P-Please don't kill me, Nanoha."

"Tea," Nanoha growled quietly, "do me a favor."

Teana gulped. "S-Sure. What is it?"

"Run. Run away as fast as you can and don't look back. Because if you so much as glance over that hump of bone you call a shoulder, I'll be right there to SHOVE THIS SANDWICH UP YOUR ASS AND SCRAPE IT CLEAN!" Nanoha roared that last bit. She slapped the table with both hands, rattling the silverware, and made to chase after her.

Teana almost fell face first as she booked it out of the café.

Nanoha smirked to herself and laughed. Then she regarded the customers staring at her, some of whom were holding their cell phones. She smacked the table again and feigned a lunge, and those near her shrieked and cowered. She relished their fear, their nervousness and submission.

Until she sat back down, when the epicenter of agony in her shoulder took hold once more. Nanoha massaged it and stared, somewhat forlornly, at the soaked sandwich and watery soup. "Goddammit."


End file.
